“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us. – Hal Borland
Usually, I spend the week between Christmas and New Year reflecting on the past year. I like to look back before setting an intention for the upcoming year.
I’ll flip through old journals, peruse my planner, even look at the photos on my phone. These things are a record of my life; I like to see where I’ve been.
2020: A Look Back
It’s no secret – 2020 was a trying year for many of us. My calendar has whole weeks of nothing. Journal pages are filled with headlines from the news, back when the coronavirus tallies were novel and new.
Unlike 2019, my planner mentions no long-distance travel and only a few overnight adventures away from home. By comparison to past years, 2020 seems quite dull.
This year brought space I didn’t know I was lacking. Even though my social calendar was sparse, things still happened. I did a lot of work on myself this year.
When I chose “focus” as my 2020 word of the year, I expected to enter the year full force, ready to tackle my goals head-on. I was prepared to be proactive.
I even spent the first few weeks of the year emptying (ahem, quieting) our living room and rearranging furniture. I set big plans for myself, our community, my work, and our home.
I was ready to work to get what I wanted.
I’ll admit, when I sat down to write this post, I figured I’d failed at most of what I set out to do. I hadn’t even read last year’s intentions. I couldn’t bear the thought of having failed, having something else fall through.
But now, as I re-read what I wrote, I find that I didn’t fail at all.
With a strong word like focus, I figured my part in doing the work and getting the results I wanted had to be curated, planned, and active.
In reality, I achieved many of my goals by merely existing. 2020 gave me the space to step back and let go. For change to happen, I had to get out of my own way.
Myself
I wrote last year that I wanted to spend more time on my mental health.
Our pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage highlighted my anxiety, and I became keenly aware of not wanting to pass that on to a child. While I haven’t conquered this, I have found some tools to keep in my toolbox.
For most of the first months of the pandemic, I coped with meditation and daily journaling. I saw in a real, tangible way how vital writing is to help me process.
I’ve never been great at making time for exercise, but in 2020 I invested in an at-home program. I worked out for more than 12 consecutive weeks. (Probably the longest time I’ve consistently worked out in my life).
I spent time studying scripture and even read a daily devotional every day for 100 days. I’ve always struggled with consistency. Often, I can start a project strong, but if someone isn’t around to monitor my progress, that energy dissipates. I was (and am!) really proud of myself for projects I stuck with and worked on this year.
Community
While it didn’t look anything like we planned, Husband and I spent time investing in our community. We couldn’t have monthly gatherings, but we did get together with small groups of people when we could.
We hosted baby showers and two Thanksgivings, adjusting things to fit the rules where we lived at the time. As a family, we offered up our home and company as often as possible. It was easy to feel alone this year, and we tried our best to welcome as many people in as we could.
I also picked up my camera and started taking photos of friends. I’m still learning but being able to provide friends with images that make them feel good in their skin is a wonderful gift to give.
Work
Surprisingly, 2020 brought increased creativity.
I wrote more regularly on the blog, working hard to let go of the idea of perfection and trusting that my words matter to someone.
I completed my first devotional series for Advent – the longest-running project I’ve done on the blog to date. It was hard, but it mattered, both for me and some of my readers.
We transformed our guest bedroom into my office, and I saw just how much I value a space that is all mine. I’ve been much more focused and productive with a space all my own. My office helped me see my writing and other creative work as a priority.
This year, I’m learning the value of play. Spending time behind the camera has fueled me creatively in a way I wasn’t expecting, and I’m practicing putting things out into the world before they’re ready.
Our Home
Spending so much of 2020 in our home helped us see what we’re using and what can find a new home. It’s always hard to say goodbye to our stuff, but maybe it’ll be easier as we approach our next move this spring.
Ditching our guest bed in favor of a desk also helped us use our space more efficiently. A room that previously saw little activity now sees me nearly every day, functioning as both a writing space and makeshift photography studio.
It’s true that 2020 did turn out like any of us hoped. There’s no doubt it was a challenging year, in unthinkable and unspeakable ways, for so many of us.
But in looking back, maybe there are glimmers of hope, too. It’s only in reflection that I see change was coming for me no matter what. I didn’t have to force it.
Perhaps 2020 is telling me to let go more often. When we get out of our own way, good things happen.
What have you learned in 2020? How have you changed this year?
